A girl once slapped me because I asked her for my money.
Yes! I asked her if she had taken my one hundred shillings! And before you start condemning me (and telling me si ungemuachia tu!), singemuachia izo aki! Not when I know clearly that she was neither my girlfriend nor my x. She wasn’t even my friend because we had just met.
It was around quarter past two in the afternoon when I boarded a matatu at TRM roundabout heading to the CBD. The conductor looked straight at me and signaled two fingers as he shouted mbao mbao bs, bs mbao mbao. Knowing my financial position at the time, I obliged and boarded the now full bus save for one seat at the back. I took it. I sand-witched myself between my soon to slap me lady on the right and a desperately looking homeless guy on the left. I wasn’t anything close to what you may call comfortable but with the bus now at maximum speed and the city just five minutes away, I held myself together.
I had one hundred and fifty shillings on the back right pocket of the slim fit jeans I was wearing. It was new so I didn’t carry a wallet. (Cash they say doesn’t get lost in a new jeans). Two twenty shilling coins, a ten bob and a hundred shilling note fit perfectly into the back pocket. (Sisemi nilikua broke!)
As the conductor came around collecting his dues, I slid my hand into the only loaded pocket I had, felt the coins and with inbuilt joy, pulled out one twenty bob coin and handed it over.
That’s when I lost it! Am sure about it. Damn sure that the a hundred shilling note I had must have popped out when I removed my hand from the pocket. And am sure it’s her who took it. I think it could only be her. The note was somehow new and I saw her pay using a new note but wasn’t bothered at that point. I had stolen glances and seen how she kept smiling endlessly as she sent messages with her phone but had cared less to find out what was exiting or who she was texting and what they were discussing. Could she have been telling the person on the other side how she had landed free cash?
I know most of you will tell me it was just hundred shillings. I even know some of you think am stupid while some will say (si umuachie tu!) Others will be like soo pekee ndio inafanya utusumbue ivi? but I understand. I understand that it was kidogo cash and I shouldn’t be bothered much especially considering it wasn’t some ninja who took it. What I don’t understand is why you think a hundred shillings is little when a girl takes it from me. Does the value increase when it’s a guy taking it? (Salt ikiisha kwa hao ndio mtu hujua mia ni jackpot kwa mtu hana kakitu)
I quit the school that teaches us that a girl can phat in a matatu and get away with it. I do not endorse a relationship where a girl blames the guy for not being man enough when she is unsatisfied in bed. (Why don’t we take a second and discuss extra large products?) That a girl can get away with a gun because some security personnel opted to check the man instead is crap! That a girl can get away with your fare or lunch money and you go smiling about it with depression is not in the spirit of the hand-shake and as the minority, we are opposed to that. Why should she get away with it?
“Babe, hii tight inanitoa aje?” she will start
“Inafanya ukae fantastic my dear.”
“Imagine ni soo moja pekee!” She says then looks at you with a smile. She holds both sides of the tight along her waist and pulls it up channeling your concentration to her curves. Then she turns gently so you can picture her behind. Bro, you’ll part with the hundred bob intended for your bus fare.
Woe unto you if you are broke on her birthday and she reminds you about that fifteen hundred shoe you had shown her at the Moi avenue stall and promised to get it on her big day. (Boss, carnivorous women never forget the time to eat!)
But we men serve a merciful God, right? For how could he create a problem and not provide a solution? Do you think God could in his right mind create a predator and fail to provide a prey? For every carnivorous woman out there, tech-world continues to ensure there is a Tala or a Branch or an M-Shwari out there. So before you tell me I can’t handle you financially, think twice because I believe in God the same way I believe that M-Shwari huokolea. Kwanza talking of kuokolea, I recently came across another App in the market called Okolea.
I saw their billboard after alighting the matatu at Ngara that day. I stood as the bus approached the stage, locked my phone, put it in the pocket and reached for my little bank at the back consciously to check if everything was intact (new jeans manenos) then boom! there were only two coins. I looked again. Nothing! I looked at the seat as my hand continued to search the pocket. Nothing! I looked at the guy who was on my left. He smiled and signaled me secretly towards the lady who was on my right.
“Hey, umuchukua soo moja hapa?” I asked her politely. She looked at me, looked at the seat and then back at me. She didn’t respond. I asked again. “Umecheki soo…”
I can still feel her fingers whenever I hold my chin!